I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
