I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
