I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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