I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
