I bet he comes in French.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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