I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
