I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
