What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
