i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Randomize
