i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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