for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
