Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
