For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
