see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
