chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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