i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
