one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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