he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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