Swine flu. Run for my life!
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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