fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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