Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
