JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
