i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
