Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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