I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
being pregnant is like rehab
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
