she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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