happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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