I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
