You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
