im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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