His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
