i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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