is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
