Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
