My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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