exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
