Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
