Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
