He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
