I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
