It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
