Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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