I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
