Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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