So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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