Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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