Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
