This dress was meant to end up on your floor
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
