She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
