I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he was CRYING into my vagina
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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